The Gospel According to "John"

So Jesus, having just spent several hours hanging out with this large group of folks from all walks of life is sitting down now at the base of a hill and he is addressing this same group of folks letting them know that it does not matter if you are poor or rich, young or old, jew or not, you are included in the Kingdom of God. -- this wonderful existence with God referred to as Heaven by the Jews that begins now, not later.

Everyone had to be so excited.  Even folks who were not allowed in the Jewish Synagogue, those folks were being told that they have a seat at this table.  This was a happy jubilant time for these folks. until Jesus drops the bomb on them.

KA-BAM!

In Matthew 5:20 (NIV), right after this little love-in, Jesus says this "For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven."

WHAT?  I would have been pissed.   So what is all this "every one is blessed, everyone is welcome" BS he was gabbing about earlier?  Why say that, only to drop this line afterwards? Is this the old bait and switch we have become accustomed to with these types of individuals?

Look a little closer with me though.  This is what Jesus says.  "Unless your righteousness…"

Wait a second.  Jesus is saying the we have "righteousness" that those folks possess righteousness  All of us, each of us!  EVERYONE.   We all posses this inner goodness that he is referring to.

Born into sin my ass

So who is it that says we were all born with original sin?  I mean God himself says in Genesis after creating man and woman  "And he/she are good."  And now Jesus is referring to an inner goodness that EVERY LIVING SOUL POSSESSES.  This is the sort of stuff that leads me to believe that original sin, and sin from birth are constructs created by the early church, designed to make us need the church.  We got the sin, and the church has the solution don't they?  

So by telling us all these years that we have this disease within us, this scourge that we were born with, we all feel pretty bad about ourselves.  But, the church, they say "Come on over here folks, we have the cure, we can make you all better, well at least temporarily, you will always be consumed with sin, but we have the bandaid. " And we just go flooding to the first open door looking for the cure. Don't we?

So here is Jesus saying, NO.   You all are possessed by goodness, each of you.  

Apples to oranges

So lets continue.  He says "Unless your inner goodness surpasses (passes up, is better, beats) that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

Wait a second now, if each of us possess this inner goodness, then what control do we have of whether it is better or passing up that of the pharisees and teachers of the law?

Well the answer is we don't.  The answer is also that just by being there and listening to Jesus we/they already have surpassed the folks who depend solely on the rules.   All those people, who were just called Blessed, their righteousness already surpasses the Pharisees.   

Why so?

Because they were not depending solely on the law, they were not waiting for the next nugget of truth to be passed down by the teachers.  They were seeking out God on their own.  Not only were they rejects of the religion of their day, but they had moved on from all of that out of pure necessity.  Their inner goodness made them move on.  Their righteousness rejected the status quo and made them look for something better.  All of the folks who were so concerned with outer appearances and performance and appearing holy, those folks were lumped in with the pharisees.  They, along with the pharisees and teachers of the law had trampled their own inner goodness to run towards the triple-guarantee of the written word, the expressed rules of tradition and the holy words of a lost kingdom.

Jesus, was not interested in them, he was interested in these rejects, this band of dirty, homeless, diseased and impoverished people.  It's worth thinking about isn't it?

The time has already come...

I was reading an article that referred to something Pat Buchanan recently said in regards to Christians having to enter a new age of civil disobedience compared only to the racial civl rights movement led by Martin Luther King Jr.

In the article Pat claims that Christians will be forced to disobey laws that go beyond God's standard by giving LGBTQ folks civil liberties like everyone else.  It was a bit infuriating.  I can only hope that not many people listen to this psychotic babbler these days.

But where does Pat get his will to break the law in order to protect the sanctity of marriage as he would say?  Is it from the Bible?  Is it the whole Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve debate?   I have no clue.  However when I think of Christianity and the model for Christians, my mind does not wander towards the Old Testament, nor does it float on past the Gospels to what Paul had to say.

No my model for Christianity is Christ himself.  So let's examine a commonly known story about Jesus.  This one is more commonly called "Jesus and The Woman at The Well."  It is found in the book of John and the story picks up around verse 2.  The quotes below are from the NIV version.

So here we go, Jesus is on the run again trying to avoid his pharisaical enemies when he stumbles upon a woman at Jacob's well.  He strikes up a conversation with her by actually asking her for a drink.

“You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?” says the woman.

According to custom, Jews were not to speak to Samaritans, and Samaritan women were even worse to converse with.

Jesus says,

“If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.” 

First things first here. Why is Jesus talking to her? She is a foreigner and a whore (which are both equally bad).

He does more than just talk to her though, he gives her an invitation into the inner circle immediately upon talking to her.  He tells her "You would have asked, and he would have given it."

Wait a second where is the lists of things he requires of her first in order to be "in?"  What about the list of things she should do afterwords in order to be holy?

Keep reading.  In verses 16-19 look at what they talk about:

16 He told her, “Go, call your husband and come back.”
17 “I have no husband,” she replied.
Jesus said to her, “You are right when you say you have no husband. 18 The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.”
19 “Sir,” the woman said, “I can see that you are a prophet.

What?  Where is the condemnation?  Are we supposed to believe that condemnation is implied?  Sanctity of marriage, this woman has been married 5 times and she is currently co-habitating with a man.  In Jesus' day that was enough to pick up a few stones and take aim.

Instead, Jesus seems to be kidding with her, "You are right when you say you have no....  and what you have said is quite true."   I can imagine him sitting quietly and smiling at her while he says this and then moving on to the important stuff...

What was the important stuff?  He wanted her to know in NO UNCERTAIN terms that she was accepted, loved, welcome and perfect just the way she was, oh and her boyfriend too.

23 Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. 24 God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.”

This is one of the most quoted verses in the Bible.  Jesus is saying it to the foreign whore.   Here is what he says in my own words.

"Put down all of that religious BS that segregates and isolates and only serves to spread a kind of elitism that some call "true worship."   Instead worship God with what is inside you and with who you really are.  These real people, as opposed to the plasticy religious types...  these are the ones that the Father is seeking, they are the true worshippers. God is made up of all of those things inside of you that are so important and much more, not a list of rules and images, prejudices and hatred."

The time has come for true worshippers to welcome the "other" with open arms, and allow them into the inner circle that Jesus would have wanted them to be in from the beginning, unconditionally. 

Easter Comic

Made this little comic strip for Easter...

I’m Sick and Tired of “I’m Tired”

“A house divided against itself cannot stand.” – Sam Houston (8 years later, Abraham Lincoln)

“Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand.” -- Jesus

Imagine with me for a moment that there are folks out there that would rather see the United States in constant internal battle, than thriving and unified and strong. These folks have convinced themselves that they speak for a majority, when most folks just want to get along and move forward.

The title of this post was inspired by a wrongly attributed rant called “I’m Tired” being shared via email and Facebook right now. It originated as a blog post back in 2009 by a retired Republican State Senator from Massachusetts. Although, the post is obviously right-wing, I am not saying this to promote a left-wing political agenda.

I am saying this as an American who served his country in the military, who has worked a job since the age of 10, and who raised a family here. I am speaking to you as a fellow American who not only has not run for public office, but will never run for public office. I am writing this from the perspective of a man who was raised by two Americans that are still happily married to this day. I am speaking from the perspective of an individual with a 4 year bachelor’s degree from Sam Houston State University in Texas. I am a husband, a father, a brother, a cousin, a nephew, a grandchild, a son and a friend. You know me.

I am tired of politicians, be they left or right who put votes ahead of a unified nation. I am sick of our two party system that has successfully divided this country right down the middle. Sick of words written to destroy rather than to inspire. Sick of politics dividing friends, spouses, families and churches. You like gays, you hate gays, you want to ban abortions and imprison women who obtain them, you are for home abortion kits given away freely at Kmart, you want guns, you hate guns, you are for paying taxes, you refuse to pay taxes, you think we have too many rights, you think we don’t have enough, you think our military needs to be increased, you think we should not have a military at all, you want a black president, you think a white man should be in office, you hate Muslims, you think Muslims are nice, You think hard work is the answer, you think the government should pay your way, you want socialism, you prefer capitalism, REALLY?

Have these issues really become who we are? Are we just the sum of our political musings? Is that our true identity? Because frankly, if it is, we deserve to go down with the ship. We deserve to self-implode. God forbid that this idea of idealistic party- pride spread throughout the entire world.

I get it. You identify with a group of people that have opinions. I get it. You want to be counted as someone with an opinion about something. I get it. You think it makes you look smart, concerned, involved, important, Christian, decent, hard-working, whatever. I understand. You get praised by your parents or friends for believing and saying it.

Let your own words represent you. Stop quoting the war-mongering extremists. You really are not that extreme in practice. Are you?

I lost a childhood friend recently who also happened to be my cousin because of this bullshit. She decided that since I did not agree with her husband about gun control, that I was NOT worth knowing. She wrote me off and unfriended me and kicked me out of her life for politely disagreeing with her. Guns? Really. Is this who we are, me, a gun-hater, she a gun-lover and neither the two shall mix?

Think about it. The reality is, she owns guns and shoots them all the time and her freedom to do that has not changed. I don’t hate guns, but don’t own one, and that has not changed. The laws have not changed, the politicians still thrive and get acclaim and praise for their STANCE, but me and my cousin are no more. A family split in two. My kids will not get to hang out with her kids, No family meals. No more.

Does that shock you? Because, it shouldn’t. This is what the war-mongers want. They want to divide us and destroy us. They make money doing it while we flounder in their war of words and ideas, feeling as if we are saving the country. They sit back raking in the doe, while the country does a number on itself over and over again. AND NOTHING EVER CHANGES.

It is the most detrimental act of terrorism I have seen in my 46 years of living. 9/11 does not compare to the amount of casualties we have laid by the way-side with our cutting words of division spoken from a self-righteous, self-absorbed, team-speak point of view that is usually not based on reality or on any kind of actuality.

This is the reason I got so angry with the Republican party back in 2003. It’s the reason I vowed to be anything but Republican. The truth is though, the Democrat party is just as bad. It’s just that the Republican party uses good church people to deliver it’s death message of division. The Democrat party uses good natured people who don’t affiliate with church typically to do the same thing. To divide. Regardless of the issue. Why? So they can get votes.

Can We Move Past This?

I don’t know honestly. I really don’t know. This could destroy us all. Please, take it seriously. We talk about how we want change so that our kids and grandkids will inherit something worth having, but the truth is, we are tearing it down to the ground before they ever get a chance to participate in it.

If we are going to move past this, we will have to stop the war. We have the power to stop it. We do. When we are tempted to say something to each other that one of those politicians or their peddlers (MSNBC, FOXNews, etc) have said in opposition to one another, we can just choose NOT TO SAY IT.

Likewise, we have got to quit passing this diseased speech around (disguised as clever words of wisdom or rants) to each other like it's good medicine.  It is not.  It doesn't matter if they are not your words, you put them on your wall, you forwarded them on to others, you are just as responsible as the war-mongers who wrote the words originally.  Just because the words written do not refer to someone specifically does not mean they are any less hateful or mean.  Phrases like Lazy people, racists, those people, and other generalities used to describe the undesirable folks, are still targeted hits on one person or another. Stop spreading the hate.

Yes, it does go back to what your grade school teacher taught you. If you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all. Likewise, we can choose to do what wiser folks would do:

From World Scripture:

“You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” -- Judaism

“Whatever you wish that men would do to you, do so to them.” -- Christianity

“Try your best to treat others as you would wish to be treated yourself, and you will find that this is the shortest way to benevolence.” -- Confucianism

“One should not behave towards others in a way which is disagreeable to oneself. This is the essence of morality. All other activities are due to selfish desire.” – Hinduism

“What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor: that is the whole Torah; all the rest of it is commentary; go and learn." -- Judaism

“Not one of you is a believer until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.´-- Islam

How I became a traitor, Part 3

I watched him work on a week-in-week-out basis on the old house. Most people never realized how old our house really was, because Dad was constantly at work behind the scenes fixing this and fixing that. Once things were in good repair he would even go as far as to renovate.

Mom always had some kind of project in mind for the next renovation. Move this wall, put that room in, expand here, add this, renew that. The house could be purchased on the market for roughly around 120K, but my parents put at least three times that much in it over the years.

The amount of carpet purchased to clothe the old wooden floors could have paved a stadium. At some point a few years ago, Mom and Dad worked for weeks to restore the old wooden floors, and add wood floors to their expansions. My parents were in their 70s at the time.  Imagine them on their knees for hours working endlessly.

At what point will they stop? At what stage in their life will they decide to just let it go - give up on the old house - rest on their laurels and regardless of trend or time just say “it is what it is” and accept it?

I think I know the answer. You might, as well. Yes, of course. My parents will stop the renovations and improvements and changes, when they are both resting under-ground somewhere in Houston. Because to stop — for them — is the same thing as death.

In Biology, one of the key characteristics of a living organism is growth. This of course means that if you claim to be alive, you are growing all the time. Now I don’t necessarily mean that your body is getting bigger — God forbid. But, your mind is growing and changing and expanding and renovating constantly. We are like little houses, are we not?

God made us this way. He really did. I mean, he could have done something different, right? Like made more manageable homes out of us, something akin to mannequins. But, he didn’t.

Some of you may already be thinking of the whole “free will” argument. You know God made us this way (completely unmanageable at times) so that we might freely choose him on our own will. I am suggesting something different. That God made us this way, because God is like this.  God made us in his own image.  So it makes sense that we are innovators, game-changers, renovators.  because God himself is the epitome of change.

What’s that you say? What about the Biblical verse that “God is the same yesterday, today and forever?” You cannot be suggesting that God actually changes! Well, I think I am. In fact, yes, I actually am. God changes. There I said it. God changes, and so do we. Otherwise we and God, would be dead. The reason we seek to improve, to change and to renovate, is because that is God’s primary role in the universe. Think about it.

I began to have these thoughts back in the 90s and once I actually started to find God to be this way, it sort of skewed everything I had been taught up until that point about God. If God changes, and God renovates — indeed like us — then how exactly should I see the Bible?

The Bible changes?
What is the Bible then? Some would say that the Bible is a blueprint. Others, that the Bible is the playbook, or the manual for life. I would agree. A blueprint, playbook and a manual can be added on to. It is only the start of our ideas about a house or a game, or life itself, and so as we go, we can add to it. We must. As we create renovations and additions and improvements we can create addendum’s to the original plan.

Others call the Bible “THE WORD OF GOD” never to be changed or altered in anyway. They stand on the King James Bible as the authentic word of God, and no other versions shall be read or utilized in church. They fail to mention that the King James Bible has been through at least two and in some cases three translations in order to provide it in the King’s English.

Anyone knows that translation is not necessarily exact. For instance let’s take the word “Cochina” in Spanish. Cochina refers to a woman that is dirty, or that sleeps around. Not a nice thing to be calling your girlfriend. However, if you hang out with Spanish speaking people, you will see that they in fact refer to their best friends as Cochina.

Really? I don’t get it. Didn’t you just call your best friend a slut? Well, of course. But, they did not mean literally a slut. It was used instead as a term of affection. As you might imagine this gets a bit confusing at times.

So what am I saying? That we can’t trust the Bible to be God’s word because of translation? Of course not. In fact I am not sure it matters how the Bible communicates those words, because God has a way of speaking to us through it. Some would call that the Holy Spirit.

What I am saying is that many folks tend to worship the Bible rather than God. They place so much importance on the words of the Bible and what and how it says stuff, and they completely ignore the Spirit behind those words.

I am also saying that the Bible can not be the last words from God. No way. Remember, God is a renovator, an improver a game-changer. God would never put together a book in 60 AD, and then just leave it that way. It is not in his nature. No, instead God has always been writing little love letters to us, little instructions, and little encouragements. We just fail to acknowledge them as God’s Word because of our stubbornness about the Bible.

It was not until the 90s, that I started listening and seeing God’s word. I had read the Bible and had studied it and had placed it in my heart and head. But, what God had to really say to me was only in that book in Spirit, not text.

If God built a house, would he fix things when they break? Would it be beautiful, regardless of the era? Would he expand it’s size and add more to it to accommodate for his ever growing family?

God is the same yesterday today and forever 

Here is the verse in context:

7Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith. 8Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.
9Do not be carried away by all kinds of strange teachings. It is good for our hearts to be strengthened by grace, not by ceremonial foods, which are of no value to those who eat them. 10We have an altar from which those who minister at the tabernacle have no right to eat. (Hebrews 13: 7-10 NIV)

So remember your leaders who “Spoke” the word of God and “imitate” them. In other words, the writer is telling them to be like their leaders, go and speak the words that God is telling you. Don’t write them down, speak them and be faithful to those words and the life of Christ.

In verse 9, the writer is talking about “all kinds of strange teachings.” Christians for years have used this verse to condemn other religions and beliefs that differ from their own. But, I think the tables are turned here. This is a verse clearly about legalism. Don’t become a “rule-monger” it’s not about the rules, but about the words of God.

So the writer is really saying “Go and speak those words from God that you are hearing, in a faithful way. Do it in the face of stagnant and lifeless religions that are all caught up on the rules. Grace is much more important than ceremony, and those that practice those sorts of harsh religions have no place at the table with us.”

The writer is saying that the way we have always done things is NOT good enough. They are talking about change, and they are using the Word of God as an example of change. So when we say that God is the same Yesterday, Today and Forever, we can speak with enthusiasm about God’s ability to change. For he has always changed, and those very characteristic of God that he placed in each of us are the same yesterday, today and forever.

How I became a traitor (Part 2 - Matt and Me)

So, I hope you realize that since this post is labeled "Part 2" that it actually is the second post of two.  So if you did not read the first one, I recommend going back or this will not make a whole lot of sense.

Believe it or not I am trying to be brief, because I know lots of text on a single page can be somewhat overwhelming to folks and they are more than likely not going to read it if it's too long.  So here we go with Part 2.

____________________________________________________

In Part 1, I was explaining who I was at age 26 and how for lack of a better category or term I was mostly an Evangelical Fundamentalist Christian who was for the most part morally and politically conservative.

I neglected to mention that from the time I was 17 I had always been a part of some Christian ministry or another.  So, at this time in my life when I was living in Huntsville, I really had no outlet for that.  I was a married man working 20 hours a week and a full-time student with three children.

We really did not have time for a lot of ministry, so I kind of did ministry as I could.  Particularly with my friends and friends of my friends.  For those folks that knew me, I always let them know of my religious beliefs.

It was at this time that I met a guy named Matthew (not his real name).  He was a friend of a friend that engaged me in some pretty serious conversations.  I took on the role of counselor to young Matthew and he was all too ready to have someone in his life fulfill such a role.

He was kind of a mess.  From the earliest age he could remember, his parents had put him in therapy of some kind.  From his point of view he was a classic borderline personality disorder patient.  He expressed to me with a straight face that in his entire life, he had never loved anyone, ever -- not even his parents.

I was very concerned for Matt, and I spent several evenings in discussion with him trying to get at the root of his issues and help him to see that Jesus could help him.  Jesus could cause him to love and Jesus could take on his pain and heal him.

I was convinced that all Matt needed was Jesus.  So, I explained to him what God had done in my life.  How I was a mess and how God had brought me thus far.  That my journey was not nearly complete and that I had quite a way to go, but that with God things had been easier.  That God had given me love for the people in my life, and without him I would be a very selfish and narcissistic individual.

It was my way of telling him he needed to get saved.  I was an evangelist after all at heart, and though a good talking and listening to was always a good thing, ultimately he needed Jesus.  Matt was not very receptive about such things, but he did listen to me.  He gave me the respect of someone who has doubts and who is honestly seeking what is true for them.  I respected that and was not pushy.

So, one day Matt came around and said "Guess what, John?"

I said "What?"

"I have been working a new job and the guy I work with, walked me through the sinner's prayer yesterday, and I got saved!"

I was ecstatic for Matt.  Truly happy.  I could not help but to think that our talks helped him to come to the conclusion that a life with Jesus was a life of love lived out.   I patted him on the back and said "Congratulations.  I am so proud of you, man."

He looked at me and said "If you would have told me the good news, I would have done this a long time ago man.  Why didn't you ever tell me?"

I looked back at him and said "What do you mean?  I thought I pretty much bored you to death with the good news."

"John, you never told me that Jesus was coming soon."

"Oh, that. Well yes.  Of course."

"And you never said that when he comes he will take all of his followers away from this hard cruel world."

"Well, yes.  Sorry about that.  I kind of left that out."

"Wow, something that important.  Man I cannot wait to leave this God-forsaken place.  Thank God I am saved and can finally be rid of this terrible world."

I began to realize that somewhere along the lines, Matthew may have missed the point.  I said "But Matt, you do know that 90% of the Bible is about living life here on this planet and with others?  It is about loving all people, not just those that you like."

"No, why does any of that matter?  I am out of here man.  All of those people can burn in Hell, and I am going to be whisked away.  Jesus is coming soon, man."

I was dumbfounded, and I started to argue, but Matt was actually quoting scripture.  I let him go, and began to consult my Bible.  I spoke to others and they too had this yearning to leave the earth behind.  I started to really question my faith.  I asked God, "Is this what you meant?"

I wondered why God would make a place like earth and carefully design human beings to live on it, just to destroy it as well as our bodies and our friends.  I was having a real-life faith crisis, and all of my religious leaders were telling me to just "trust God,"  and "The Bible does not lie,"  and "focus on getting people saved,"  and "pray about it."

This was the beginning of my demise -- this little conversation, and this one person and these circumstances and this God that I followed.   Because when I prayed, I felt God saying "keep searching, John.  Keep asking questions.  You will find me.  Don't give up.  You need me."

So, that is what I did.  I went searching for God after 10 years of supposedly following God.  Really what I found out was that I was following a certain group of men's interpretations of God.  More on this later.

How I became a traitor (Part 1)

Hey folks.  I have not written for quite some time on my personal blog and I want to apologize for that. I have been writing other cool stuff, mostly for my own entertainment, nothing serious.  I think that if anyone read my blog over time they would judge me as schizophrenic or possibly a person with Bi-polar, or even multiple personality disorder.

I go from some very serious theology, to a mixture of theology and politics, to complete and total frivolity, then to political stuff.  Well, what can I say.  As a human being I tend to be flippant and I pretty much have wrote what I feel at any given moment.

I have decided however, that it is time to talk a little more about myself on a personal level.  I think that my approach to theology and politics and culture has often times come off as rude, sarcastic and maybe even a bit haughty.  By that I mean to say that my writing is very matter of fact and does not leave very much room for argument or even disagreement.

Again, I apologize, it is very hard for me at times to reign it in, but I think that if I could describe the kind of phase I am currently in emotionally and intellectually it would be the "reigning-in period."  By that, I mean that I wish to explain myself, and by doing this expose a part of me that is vulnerable and even impressionable.

So, let me get started by telling a bit about who I used to be.
_____________________________________________________
John Martinez Age 26

1992 - A college student who recently separated honorably from the United States Air Force after serving more than 4 years active.

A columnist for the Sam Houston State University campus newspaper.  My column was an opinion column that I wrote somewhat in the style of Rush Limbaugh - of whom I was an admirer.

I was going to school to earn a degree in Criminal Law so that I could ultimately become a State Prosecutor for Texas and put away felons where they belonged - prison.

I was married to Tammy and had three small children, and I was a strict disciplinarian, just like my Dad whom I respected on a level near god-hood.

I owned a handgun and fought staunchly against anyone who would merely suggest a change in the gun laws.

I was an Evangelical Christian who believed that getting people saved was THE MOST IMPORTANT thing in the world.  Any and all tactics were fair game so long as the end result was getting people in contact with Jesus, so that He could "take care of the rest."  <- Lyrics to an old Keith Green song.

I only listened to Christian music, because I believed that all other music that did not "honor God" was a waste of time.

A staunch Republican who honestly could not see how anyone associated with the Democratic party could call themselves a Christian.  Because our party protected the rights of the unborn, and our party rejected the idea that homosexuality was an acceptable way of life, and because our party funded the military like crazy and did not restrict my right to bear arms.

I was a Republican also because most Republicans claimed to be Evangelical Christians like me.  I just knew that Jesus would work through their spirits to make our country a Christian nation.  Because I believed that the founding fathers started the country as one nation under Jesus and that with Jesus at the helm of our great nation we could do no wrong.

One of my favorite public speakers was Dennis Miller.  I used to love to listen to him rant about how America was going off course and how we could all get it back if we just start being more moral and more Republican.

I strongly opposed Bill Clinton for President and was astonished when he beat Bush.  I was blown away when he was re-elected and I pointed my finger and said "I told you so" when he got caught dipping his cigar in the Monica-jar.

I was even more astonished when he was impeached, but somehow allowed to remain president.  I could not believe the sad state we had come to as a nation.  I believed that he was the worst president we had ever seen.  I was convinced that he would bring us all to ruin.

I had a strong sense of family values and wanted to raise my children in a world where family values dominated.  I supported organizations that sought to legislate my values out loud, like Focus on the Family and even loud riske preachers who "told the truth" regardless of how hard the truth sounded.  I reserved the strongest criticism for men who would cheat on their spouses and leave their families to be with a younger woman.

I did not wish any harm to come to homosexuals, but wanted our country to let them know that what they were doing was a sin and that Jesus could heal them if they just gave him a chance.  I saw this as an opportunity to get more people saved.  Everything was.

Likewise if our government was telling everyone that Gay is OK, then people might actually become gay more and more and completely reject the Lord in their lifestyle.  What if everyone wanted to be gay?  What would happen to our world?  What about my kids?  I had been telling them since they were old enough to understand how misguided and lost and silly gay people were.  How we needed to pray for them.  How, I could not accept their choice if they were to become one of them.

I made my parents proud each time I took a stand for our shared values whether in word or deed.  They were so proud of me back then.  I was everything they had  cultivated me to be - an extension of them in a world gone awry.  A way for them to live on and actively write the wrongs vicariously and in their name. They were my heroes and I was their namesake.  Life was perfect.

I believed in the theological concept of Holiness.  That as a Christian, I could and had already achieved a cleansing through the process of sanctification  -- a purification of sorts, and that God wanted me to remain pure and holy at all times.  In fact Jesus died for our sins, and he suffered a tiny death and re-crucifixion every time I sinned against him, others, and myself.  Therefore it was necessary to come to Jesus with EVERY sin and confess and be cleansed all over again, when I fell.

Oh yeah, I had a bit of a daily obsession with porn, and flirting with girls in order to build-up my lack-luster ego, and I lived each day with tremendous guilt for the things I was thinking, and doing at the time.  I told no one about this, and that made it much easier to keep my secrets.  I secretly went to Jesus EVERY DAY with my sins, and there were so many I was consumed by guilt and the feeling of worthlessness and self-hatred for not being able to live up to the standards I set for myself and others, based on my understanding of the Bible as explained to me by my religious leaders.

So What Happened?

I will go into more detail about what happened to me in my next post.  For now this ought to be enough to get us started.